August 23, 2009
Facebook Flirting Harmless? I Thought So Until I Caught Her
I overheard a couple of people talking about Facebook flirting while we were in line at the bank so I listened in a little. This one guy asked his friend about people flirting with others on Facebook and did she think it was harmful and dishonest or something that should not be that big of a deal.
He said something like, “Can flirting on Facebook be unhealthy for a relationship or marriage?” She probably wasn’t that sure but I know the 2 of them were very involved with Facebook and talked about adding and deleting people on there constantly.
I caught my wife a few times chatting with someone on Facebook but when I walked in the room she would quickly close the chat or shutdown the browser all together. I know she had been on Facebook for the past several months and had re-connected with some old high school and college friends. One in partuclar was en ex-boyfriend that she left to date me and eventually marry.
It really didn’t bother me too much and I told her why she was sooo jumpy when I walked into the room. She didn’t really have a reason other than I scared her.
Really? Or did you not want to get caught cheating on me chatting in Facebook. Jesus how obvious can it be here!
When I asked her who she was talking to, she was not completely upfront and said she barely talks to people on Facebook. I know it was her old boyfriend after a while cause she didn’t think I was home yet from work on night and she left the chat open while she was in the bathroom. I happened to sit down and saw the name but nothing in the chat that looked to harmful or wrong. My wife was cute and a flirt so I was used to a little of her playing with someone else.
At the time when this was going on (yea that was about 9 months ago now. LOTS of changes now) she seemed pretty distant with me and I was now keeping more tabs on who she was friending and how often she was on Facebook.
What I found out was very hard to take. She had been IM-ing and posting on Facebook late at night and sometimes into the wee hours of the morning with a few guys from her past, one in particular that she had a relationship with right before going out with me. Some of the posts were very flirty and sexual in nature. I think this is highly inappropriate for a married woman, but she seems to think its all in good fun and no big deal, just joking around she said, nothing to worry about.
She was also upset that I checked up on her, but I had a bad feeling from the onset about who she was talking to. Then I later found out that she had met one of these guys at a bar one night when out with her friends. Although she denies it, it seems pretty obvious she is cheating (later on I find out the whole story).
Even if she isn’t, it seems very disrespectful for a married woman to chat late at night with flirty IMs with old friends. This to me is inappropriate behavior and if the tables were turned, I don’t think she would want me doing this to her. Any thoughts?
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Written by: Ken
Filed Under: Facebook Flirting
Tags: Facebook Flirting
Trackback URL: http://www.facebookcheating.com/archives/getting-caught-facebook-flirting/trackback/
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- When Do You Know Your Marriage Is Over? 02-15-2010 at 9:41 am
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bobby
October 6, 2009 at 6:49 am
The same problem I have and I’m considering to break the marraige
joe
October 7, 2009 at 3:27 pm
same problem her – going to marriage counseling – it is disrespectful to me – I am planning on leaving her if it doesn’t end soon
mike
October 14, 2009 at 8:34 am
put a gps on the tramps rolling brothel n see whos driveway she frequents n dump the bitch off there next time u r with her
Roxy
November 14, 2009 at 7:46 pm
thumbs up from me on that idea
arg
November 11, 2009 at 10:28 pm
umm.. if your other is unhappy its going to happen no matter where or what they do. you just have to get over it and move on. they aren’t tramps you just aren’t making them happy and they are bored with their lives. wahwahwah
Roxy
November 14, 2009 at 7:49 pm
If they are bored, unhappy with their lives they need to step up to plate and own it and be honest rather than sneaky lieing blaming bullsht.Communicate.
Wally
November 12, 2009 at 9:18 pm
This happened to me as well. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and I discovered her online affair on our 15th anniversary
Annie Mae
November 17, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Just like the other story it seems like a lot of these men are a decade older than their wife. Are they just with you for your money? For the security? For you to raise their kids? That’s the impression I got from reading a lot of the comments/stories on here.
FYI a lot of women will marry some guy who has money who will support them and take care of them. They get all settled in with them but are on the look out for the man that they are in love with.
Women love attention. They want men who are attracted to them and give them attention. Either your wives are out their trying to meet someone they love because they are only with you for your money/security or they want attention from another man because you aren’t cutting it anymore.
Maybe she just wants to make you jealous? Usually the husband takes her for granted so she goes and wants him to realize that other men find her attractive just to get a reaction from him. And YES if you men haven’t figured it out yet women love to play mind games. They will tell you they want to leave you just to see how you react. If they say they are leaving you and you just let them go you really don’t love them. Maybe she wants you to yell at her, fight for her, prove to her that you love her. because constantly following her around saying oh baby i love you, i trust you…. does not cut it. It is human nature for men to constantly think of sex with women they meet. It is also human nature for women to want attention from men and for them to fight for her love. so men grow some fucking balls and tell her to knock it off or you will beat the shit out of the guy because she is married to you!
trish
November 26, 2009 at 5:55 am
annie mae…. i am ten years younger then my husband, i am not with him for money or any other reason than i love him. your assumption that women only marry for financial security basically labels anyone with an older husband a prostitute.
i take great offence to your comment and can assure you, you obviously do not have as strong an understanding of womankind as you seem to think.
Iris
November 23, 2009 at 5:09 am
I agree that flirting on facebook is WRONG! especially if you’re married!! I like to go on facebook all the time (mainly to play farmville
), and yeah, sometimes (like once every few months) i’ll chat with an old guy friend. BUT, i talk with my husband about it, telling him things like “hey i talked to so-and-so and can you believe they have 3 kids already?!”(i talk to him about everything) and i keep it COMPLETELY appropriate. it usually ends up being about how our families are doing, how big our kids are, where we work now, who from school have we seen lately… ect.
In my opinion, it boils down to one main thing… communication. without it, your wifes could be feeling neglected, or ignored (EVEN if you didn’t do anything wrong or werent trying to) I sometimes feel like that myself, but i talk to my husband and tell him how i feel, and that way he knows and can help me to lose those feelings. he’ll sit and bear with me if i need to vent, or just want to talk- which i know to a guy can be torture lol, but it keeps us communicating and that helps us to keep our marriage strong.
i hope this helps, and that your wife realizes how you feel and changes her flirting.
Annie Mae
November 30, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Trish… is your husband on here because he caught you cheating?? Have you read the stories on here that men have posted? That their wives ( almost all the men are being cheated on by their wives that are over a decade younger than them) have been lieing, cheating, etc? Basically I was saying it seems that these young women don’t really even love them. There are more stories on another tab you should check out. There’s a lot of the guys who catch their wives cheating and the woman just ups and leaves him for someone they actually love and i should add that the women take half of that man’s money also. Just read the stories and I’m sure you will see where i was coming from by asking those questions.
I don’t know you but I have a feeling you are a religious person? Maybe you were raised to hurry up and find a man and get married? And that married life is so amazing and no one cheats or lies or uses the other spouse? Have you ever known a woman young or old who refused to even date someone that was without a job? Have you ever known a man who was with a woman just because she was younger and prettier than his ex wife and just to make his ex jealous? I don’t know if you are living in your fairy tale where everything is perfect but in reality the world is not perfect. I’m sure you love your husband and he loves you and I’m happy for you both. I truly am. But people need to understand that there are human beings out here who will marry for the wrong reasons. These men knew in their guts that something was wrong but ignored their feelings. Their cheating wives were wrong for doing what they did these men need to face reality. Those women didn’t truly love them or they wouldn’t have broken their vows in the first place.
Taylor
December 10, 2009 at 9:11 am
MEN CHEAT TOO!! Same thing happening to me…..with my husband. Finding old girlfriends on Facebook and sharing OUR life with them. Telling them, after viewing their pictures that they “look good” and them telling him they “wish you were here” at their get togethers. We’ve been married two decades and I can’t remember once when he ever told me that I looked good. I walked in one night and found him looking at pictures on Facebook. So I got curious and checked his email account and found several messages from women to him and from him to them. Topics of discussion were memories of weekends together and drinking parties. Then I checked his Facebook site and found that several of these girls have posted pictures of them with him from years ago. I did confront him, but he says he was “just talking to old friends”. I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it before I found out. He didn’t have a good answer. He even has been talking to an old lover. CRAP!! It IS a big deal, because I was a virgin when I married him and he has NEVER appreciated that. Totally pisses me off and I feel it is really disrespectful. And these women are also married!! WTH! As far as I’m concerned, if they think he’s so great, a guy that would hurt his wife this way,……they can have him.
BlooBloo
December 10, 2009 at 11:32 am
Oops! It happened this summer and into the fall. She started out on Facebook and met some (two) guys. Then it escalated into Skype where they could chat and see each other. One of them she showed to. The other there was a lot of chat history and talking about me in some of it. It ended when I found out. I pulled the plug. But I’m still wary and don’t trust 100%, even though we have now reconciled. Things are better here now, but talk to your woman. It’s usually because things are not as they could be at home.
Derrick Watkins
December 27, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Facebook flirting is cheating. It is very easy to do because you are in the privacy of your own home and messages can be sent without others knowing.
Facebook is not responsible for this. But, when you are having problems with your man or woman and he or she is not meeting your needs, facebook allows a unhappy person to here what they want to hear from someone who does not mind saying it!
Derrick Watkins
Author: Why Good Girls Date Bad Boys
Kmarie
December 30, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Sorry Derrick, but I think you’re off base. Getting sucked into flirting and more on FB doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t getting what you need from your partner. What a lame and cliched remark! I believe part of it is ego – can’t resist the positive strokes. Then you have the thrill of secretive, naughty behavior. You can sit right at your computer and say anything you want, BE anybody you want. Blaming it on an inattentive spouse it like blaming all your adult hangups on your parents. Let’s see some accountability. Just because you probably won’t get caught doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. What ever happened to integrity and loyalty?
angry
January 4, 2010 at 7:15 pm
man I’m angry !!!! We been married for 17yrs and about 2yrs ago we agreeded to open accounts which was done seperately 1St mistake. she signed in with her maiden name 2nd mistake. soon I joined and requested her as a friend to my surprise the list was longer than what I expected. I know what u went through the nerves, hiding ,logging on at crazy hours and the e-mails 3Rd mistake . I finally caught on and know realized she’s been chating with some guy from egypt .damm it !!!! don’t know what to do. 17yrs!!!!!!!
Ebenezar
January 17, 2010 at 6:41 pm
Hi, I too a bad experience with facebook. Myself and my wife have a seperate FB account. We have been happly married for 13 years with 2 great kids. She dumped her boy friend to marry me because he was abusive and always cheated on her. She always hated him. In last 13 years I’ve never doubted her integrity or loyalty. Last month her ex-boyfriend sent her a message on FB. She replied to him and gave her gmail address to get in touch. (we know each other’s FB password). When I checked her gmail account, she invited him to chat on orkut. When I confronted her about the email, she said she was sorry about it and will cut off all contact with him. She also said she wanted to show him how happy she is with me and make him more jealous. She wanted revenge for the way he treated her. She wrote to him and said they cannot be in touch anymore. He wrote another 4 emails. She did’nt reply to them (probably she knew i could access her emails). I suggested her to parmenently close gmail account (which she did). We had good discussion about this issue and explained the consequences of keeping in touch with her boyfriend. I’ve closed my FB account. Her account is deactivated. I love her very much, but it is very hard to trust her. Is this feeling normal? Or should I keep a track of her activities on PC? I keep thinking about it. Will she get in touch with him or it is all over. Can a married women go to any extent to emotionally hurt her ex-boyfriend? Please help.
Annie Mae
January 19, 2010 at 11:29 am
Were you able to see what she wrote him? Was she telling him she was happy with you? If you have proof that she was telling you the truth then all should be fine. If you think he was contacting her to get her back and she was falling for it that’s another problem. I would think the talk you to had was enough to make her realize not to talk to him and that closing her accounts are good enough.The last thing you need is for her to get in an argument with you or have a bad day and run to him. You should really talk to her again and tell her how you are feeling. If she loves you and wants to be with just you she will not only tell you but also prove her love and show you that you can trust her. Good luck!
Ebenezar
January 24, 2010 at 7:51 pm
Hi Annie Mae, Thanks so much for your suggestions. She asked him to join her on Orkut for a chat and she said she wanted to ask him so many things. She also told me that her ex emailed her and is it ok if he is on her facebook account. I straight away refused her request. Next day morning she wrote back to him saying that they cannot be in touch and it is inappropriate to email each other. (I did read that email). She also cancelled her gmail account. W’ve been married for 13 years and she was always faithful to me. She never attempted to get in touch with him. We live overseas 1000s of miles away from our homeland. We again had a good talk last weekend. She is very angry with her ex-boyfriend and wanted revenge. She thought it was a good chance that he mailed her, so she could hurt him. I knew this guy, when she was going around with him (13years ago). We all lived in the same building. She realises that its better to move on and forget the horrible past. I think accessing her email account is not wrong, when it comes to saving our marriage and keeping her safe. It is my duty to keep her safe from doing any foolish thing. Thanks again.
Timothy
January 26, 2010 at 9:39 am
Here is my problem. My wife and I have been married for seven years. She has been on FB for a year and is on it non stop for much of the time she is at home. To make matters worse, she recently got a Blackberry and has 24 7 access to FB, IM, emails, and phone calls. This summer, I discovered that she found some ex friends and boyfriends from her high school, college, and adult years before us. She pretended that one friend was her step brother who she had just found, from a previous marriage of her mom’s. One day, she left her phone unattended and the phone ranged and it was the alledged step brother. I did not answer but told her that someone had called. She saw the name and picture of the person and look startled. I could see that she was caught red handed. She finally confessed that the stepbrother was an ex boyfriend from her early 20’s. She claimed that she only lied because I couldnt handle it and she was trying to help him, by babysitting his child, so he could work and get his life back together, while the child’s mom was in the process of getting out of jail. After much fussing, scolding and withdrawing, we went to counseling (which was not helpful) and I finally confronted the guy on the phone. He insisted that there was nothing to their relationship but her watching this baby, who actually stayed with us one night when I thought it was my step nephew. He acknowledged that it was wrong that she lied and that he wanted to meet me to get all of this resolved. I refused to meet him because I know my temper. I also found out in talking to my wife, that she had spent the night with him at the hospital (so she claimed) the weekend prior to me discovering the lie, because his mom was ill. This was during a time that she claimed she wanted a little space and wanted a weekend to herself, despite prodding for us to be together.
After so many lies, I decided to do some researching and had a male friend, invite her to be a friend on FB. She accepted. When she accepted, she flirted with him, talked bad about how our relationship was going……”its complicated” and considered meeting him, but she passed because she was unsure quite who he was. I also saw all of her pictures, which were endless photos of her, childhood and teenage friends, and ex boyfriends. She took pride in bragging about the ex boyfriends in her photo comments and had a mug shot of her with a guy, labeled “best friends for life.” It was under this photo, four months before I discovered the lie about the stepbrother, that I found out she had went home (four hours away from where we live) and spent time at a bar with this “best friend” at a class get together. To make matters worse, she was not carrying my last name in her signature (her excuse….so more old friends could her by her maiden name).
She finally added her married name, take off the best friend and her hugging photo, and agreed to add some photos of us and except me as a friend. However, I did not pursue the FB friend thing because she kept talking about her space and her page. Keep in mind of the 100’s of pictures before these incidents, there was only one picture of she and I.
Recently, I discovered that another former friend (could be ex boyfriend not sure) hollered at her on FB. He lives on the west coast. On her wall, he sarcastically noted that he did not know she was married, that he did not want to make me upset (when he visited home for the holidays), and would just look her up at her grandparents, to avoid trouble. Instead of standing up for our marriage and denouncing this advancement from him, she simply commented that he should hit her on FB when he arrived in town and that he “owed her dinner anyway.” She also talked about how he use to love her smile…..all on open wall, in front of her friends, many that know me and know that we are married. In regards to other men and ex friends, they have commented on her photos that she is “sexy” and “beautiful.” She frequently compliments other men and I am barely acknowledged on her page. In her photos, she has a album called my family. This page does not mention me, her stepchildren (mine from a previous relationship). But she did include a best female friend and her godchild. Go figure.
I love this woman. I don’t want to have a failed marriage, yet she keeps talking about she wants us to seperate (to seperate households), be friends, continue to date, and learn how to love each other again. However, my trust is very slim. I am even considering a tracking system, to keep up with her, particularly since her trips home are typically without me and that she is always on the Internet, with IM and FB. WTF should I do? Please help and give some advice to get me through this tough period in my life. I know that I may have to ultimately leave her.
Ebenezar
January 26, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Hi Timothy,
Try this PC monitroing software, this should help.
http://www.spytech-web.com/
Good luck
FBcasualty
January 27, 2010 at 3:27 pm
I was married for 14 years, two beautiful kids, and we had just built our dream home. My wife used to comment about married people being on FB and how “inappropriate” it was. Then one day I walk into our living room and she is on the couch with her laptop and I notice she is on FB. I reminded her what she said in the past about how it was “inappropriate” and she said, “It’s not like that. It’s just general stuff, ya know, ‘hi, how are you’, etc…..Besides, I am only really on here to network for my job.” Well, as you can imagine, her time on FB became more and more frequent. We used to watch t.v. shows together with the kids and talk and laugh, movie nights, game nights, etc…, but that ended because she would have her face glued to her laptop 24/7. I would watch shows by myself and/or with the kids and I would hear her in the other room giggling. When I would ask her what was so funny, she would say, “Oh, just something said on FB” or “so-and-so posted some funny pics.” She became very distant and when she would come home from work she would barely talk to me, eat dinner that I made, and then park her ass on her computer for the night. It became an obsession with her and it got to the point where I was caring for the kids, the house, and everything else. I didn’t exist in her mind. I was able to get on her page and I noticed that there was no pictures of me nor any mention of me at all. When I asked her about it she became very defensive and told me that she uses FB as a networking tool and she doesn’t feel the need to post pictures of us, etc….even though she had pictures on there of her and our kids, her and her girlfriends, etc… so it was obvious to me that her intentions were not “innocent”. Things went from bad to worse, she became very resentful of me, lost lots of weight, bought all new clothes, and exhibited every other behavior you find listed on websites that describe, “Signs of a cheating spouse”. A few months later I started catching her in more lies than I could count, but the “marriage ender” was when I discovered she was getting birth control injections behind my back and I was “fixed” after our second child was born. Thus, I filed for divorce and although last year was a very painful year for me, I realize now that, with all I uncovered about her, it was a blessing in disguise. So, after 17 years together (14 married) it was over. What amazed me was the speed of the progression (4 months) from stable, solid marriage to absolute destruction. I don’t blame FB, obviously it was the person using it that is to blame, because I know lots of people who use it for it’s intended purpose and have fun with it. I suggested all kinds of things to save our marriage from counseling to enrichment classes at our church and she would have none of it. I miss not seeing my kids everyday and I have lost everything, but I am free from the heartbreak and worry now and I am looking forward to the future.
My advice to anyone reading this is trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If your spouse exhibits behavior out of the norm suddenly, or starts obsessing with how they look, or closes out of their FB when you walk into the room, there is a problem. If they are on FB all hours of the day and into the wee hours of the morning and they don’t spend time with you or your family because of it, there is a problem and it definitely doesn’t promote a healthy relationship. I saw posts from my ex that were at 3:00am, 4:00am….it was ridiculous! It consumed her. She would tell me what I have read on here, “He’s just a friend”…blah, blah, blah. DON’T believe it, there is intent there and, in my opinion, that’s cheating. It’s disrepectful to you, their spouse, and if they won’t let you see their profile or start blocking people you know from seeing their profile, they are hiding something and it is not fair to you. Don’t internalize your anger, communicate with them and try to resolve the issue. If they get angry, defensive, and accuse you of “checking up on them”, then they are hiding something from you and a relationship cannot work without trust. If they refuse to quit what they are doing, then prepare yourself for the worst. If they start working late or don’t keep their regular hours track them with a GPS unit attached to their vehicle. You can find them at most online spy shops for a couple hundred bucks. Keep your eyes open…..don’t go into denial and think it can’t happen to you because I thought the same thing. Communication is key.
My heart breaks for all the people I read about on these sites and I know exactly how painful it is. If anything, I find it very theraputic to read your stories because I can relate to all of you, I know where you are and how you feel, and it is good to know that I am not alone. FB is a virtual world where people that crave attention can get it. There will always be men and women on these sites ready to cheat at a drop of the hat and will pursue people whether they are married or not. The sacrament of marriage is a dying entity in today’s world and it is a shame. The travesty of it is that it is only going to get worse and worse in the future. God Bless you all and may you all find peace.
Brenda
February 6, 2010 at 11:02 am
My husband lies about sending hearts to other women, he denies going on it all the time- I have his password and found that he constantly plays these games,I know it was bad of me to do- and I confronted him about my decietfulness and told him i couldnt take this emotional cheating anymore as it has happened in the past. He knows how to delete posts as I showed him, and I am not on his send hearts list- I have no idea what else he’s doing.I have been so hurt by this- i wish he would just go out and get laid- so it would be physical- this is killing me mentally.In the beginning he only had pretty- younger girls as friends, I have a mish-mash, but mainly women my age- I started inviting young good looking guys- its terrible whats happening.My husband thinks cheating is only the physical act, flirting, porn dont apply.i dont know weather to close my account- I play farmville with my school mates and family and it is a great way to keep in touch.I dont know what to do- but I dont want to know what he’s doing online- Id rather be in the dark so i dont hurt anymore.
snowairheaven
February 10, 2010 at 12:27 am
Two of my aunts got hooked on chat rooms, flirted, & it led to cheating and divorce. It’s not okay. It’s very disrespectful. It hurts the whole family: the other spouse, children, cousins, brothers, sisters, parents, friends. It’s sad & dissapointing. It breaks bonds of love, faith, trust & support. Giving your heart away to another when one has made a lifelong commitment is one of the ugliest things a person can do. Everyone has flaws, but cheating crosses a line that is extremely crushing. Consider watching fireproof, the movie.
Charles Reves
February 17, 2010 at 2:18 pm
In my opinion flirting is cheating no matter where it is, it could be on the street, on a letter or in this “FACEBOOK” thing.
If you are happy with someone and you respect that relationship, you should never be flirting with anyone or allowing someone to flirt with you. Friends don’t flirt at each other.
Flirting on facebook is very insulting to a relationship, it doesn’t matter how innocent the flirting could be, but it should not be happening it is just a big lack of respect towards your relationship and your partner. It creates Jealous feelings, it breaks down the harmony of our homes, it creates a heavy atmosphere and breaks hearts.
All those things combined bring the relationship to the end.
It happened to me, please do not allow your loved ones to go on FACEBOOK, it is the beginning of a disaster.
S
February 25, 2010 at 3:16 pm
This is currently happening with our best friends, and it turned out the husband was having an affair with my partner’s sister-in-law. Very messy. Finally everything came out – they live in different countries but did meet in person when they could. This went on for a few months before they were caught. Hm. Yes. Exactly. Well my thoughts (as a woman) are if you are hiding something from your partner and chatting at midnight – you know it’s inappropriate behavior. And if you know that – don’t do it. Once trust is gone it is very hard to win back.