August 23, 2009
Facebook Flirting Harmless? I Thought So Until I Caught Her
I overheard a couple of people talking about Facebook flirting while we were in line at the bank so I listened in a little. This one guy asked his friend about people flirting with others on Facebook and did she think it was harmful and dishonest or something that should not be that big of a deal.
He said something like, “Can flirting on Facebook be unhealthy for a relationship or marriage?” She probably wasn’t that sure but I know the 2 of them were very involved with Facebook and talked about adding and deleting people on there constantly.
I caught my wife a few times chatting with someone on Facebook but when I walked in the room she would quickly close the chat or shutdown the browser all together. I know she had been on Facebook for the past several months and had re-connected with some old high school and college friends. One in partuclar was en ex-boyfriend that she left to date me and eventually marry.
It really didn’t bother me too much and I told her why she was sooo jumpy when I walked into the room. She didn’t really have a reason other than I scared her.
Really? Or did you not want to get caught cheating on me chatting in Facebook. Jesus how obvious can it be here!
When I asked her who she was talking to, she was not completely upfront and said she barely talks to people on Facebook. I know it was her old boyfriend after a while cause she didn’t think I was home yet from work on night and she left the chat open while she was in the bathroom. I happened to sit down and saw the name but nothing in the chat that looked to harmful or wrong. My wife was cute and a flirt so I was used to a little of her playing with someone else.
At the time when this was going on (yea that was about 9 months ago now. LOTS of changes now) she seemed pretty distant with me and I was now keeping more tabs on who she was friending and how often she was on Facebook.
What I found out was very hard to take. She had been IM-ing and posting on Facebook late at night and sometimes into the wee hours of the morning with a few guys from her past, one in particular that she had a relationship with right before going out with me. Some of the posts were very flirty and sexual in nature. I think this is highly inappropriate for a married woman, but she seems to think its all in good fun and no big deal, just joking around she said, nothing to worry about.
She was also upset that I checked up on her, but I had a bad feeling from the onset about who she was talking to. Then I later found out that she had met one of these guys at a bar one night when out with her friends. Although she denies it, it seems pretty obvious she is cheating (later on I find out the whole story).
Even if she isn’t, it seems very disrespectful for a married woman to chat late at night with flirty IMs with old friends. This to me is inappropriate behavior and if the tables were turned, I don’t think she would want me doing this to her. Any thoughts?
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- When Do You Know Your Marriage Is Over? 02-15-2010 at 9:41 am
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bobby
October 6, 2009 at 6:49 am
The same problem I have and I’m considering to break the marraige
joe
October 7, 2009 at 3:27 pm
same problem her – going to marriage counseling – it is disrespectful to me – I am planning on leaving her if it doesn’t end soon
zhet
April 22, 2010 at 2:52 pm
It happens to me also i caught my husband flirting in Facebook and all he can say is same reason that he is just doing to for fun and its nothing! it will never be nothing because it affects my emotion and trust so Facebook is not good for married couples
Mat
April 29, 2010 at 2:35 am
I agree with Adriene, facebook isn’t healthy for any serious relationships. It seems to happen to every couple at one point or antother, but the fact that the flirting may go unoticed for god knows how long is really disrespectful. This has happened to me this past week, and today as a matter of fact. 4 yr relationship GONE just like that. My gut instinct was telling me something was up 5 months ago. should’ve went with it then. Instead I just tortured myself mentally listening to the lies this gapped tooth skank was telling me. “I’m not that type of girl” “if thats what you think i’m doing than you really don’t know me” ” I would never hurt you.” “you’re the one for me.” I truly loved this girl and she knew that I wanted to believe her, Which was on and off for me. She would gives completley different answers about important things if asked every once in awhile. Obviously hiding something. Anyway finally found out she had TWO facebook profiles. Never mentioned the “other” one. That was enough for me. I told her that her and her skankass friends were lying sluts. and to leave me alone. and now she’s sexting some bald ,now probably a cuckold, bastard and also found out she’s likes to look at women, which I always knew she was bi…she was just to coward to comeout to me. really sad little girl now that i think about it. I Copy and pasted the texts into a message and sent it to people. Person she worked with that knew very little about her and will hopefully spread the word around the office of how this big foreheaded, hairy , crooked nosed quifing cunt acts on the internet. And the guys wife
I would like someone to do that for me. the truth must always be told be it good or bad. Adults should act morally and not kids in a high school show. Now I am skeptical of ANY girl who says they’re a honest and genuine partner, This cannot be true this day and age. Very sad But true. By the way this girl has a large course hair on her left nipple.
mike
October 14, 2009 at 8:34 am
put a gps on the tramps rolling brothel n see whos driveway she frequents n dump the bitch off there next time u r with her
Roxy
November 14, 2009 at 7:46 pm
thumbs up from me on that idea
Rassy
July 23, 2010 at 9:37 pm
lol the look on her face would be pricelesss
arg
November 11, 2009 at 10:28 pm
umm.. if your other is unhappy its going to happen no matter where or what they do. you just have to get over it and move on. they aren’t tramps you just aren’t making them happy and they are bored with their lives. wahwahwah
Roxy
November 14, 2009 at 7:49 pm
If they are bored, unhappy with their lives they need to step up to plate and own it and be honest rather than sneaky lieing blaming bullsht.Communicate.
baybay
April 14, 2010 at 7:36 pm
You don’t LIE because you’re unhappy. She’s a liar and that puts her in the wrong, no matter HOW unhappy she is.
If she were up front about her unhappiness and just broke things off, then I’d think otherwise.
She sucks!!
travis
April 27, 2010 at 2:28 pm
@arg, Yes, they are tramps. The only one who would say what you say is someone who habitually cheats on his spouse, or with other mens spouses. But with the final comment you don’t sound too bright.
Wally
November 12, 2009 at 9:18 pm
This happened to me as well. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and I discovered her online affair on our 15th anniversary
Zaida
April 13, 2010 at 11:42 am
What did you do? How long ago was that?
Annie Mae
November 17, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Just like the other story it seems like a lot of these men are a decade older than their wife. Are they just with you for your money? For the security? For you to raise their kids? That’s the impression I got from reading a lot of the comments/stories on here.
FYI a lot of women will marry some guy who has money who will support them and take care of them. They get all settled in with them but are on the look out for the man that they are in love with.
Women love attention. They want men who are attracted to them and give them attention. Either your wives are out their trying to meet someone they love because they are only with you for your money/security or they want attention from another man because you aren’t cutting it anymore.
Maybe she just wants to make you jealous? Usually the husband takes her for granted so she goes and wants him to realize that other men find her attractive just to get a reaction from him. And YES if you men haven’t figured it out yet women love to play mind games. They will tell you they want to leave you just to see how you react. If they say they are leaving you and you just let them go you really don’t love them. Maybe she wants you to yell at her, fight for her, prove to her that you love her. because constantly following her around saying oh baby i love you, i trust you…. does not cut it. It is human nature for men to constantly think of sex with women they meet. It is also human nature for women to want attention from men and for them to fight for her love. so men grow some fucking balls and tell her to knock it off or you will beat the shit out of the guy because she is married to you!
trish
November 26, 2009 at 5:55 am
annie mae…. i am ten years younger then my husband, i am not with him for money or any other reason than i love him. your assumption that women only marry for financial security basically labels anyone with an older husband a prostitute.
i take great offence to your comment and can assure you, you obviously do not have as strong an understanding of womankind as you seem to think.
baybay
April 14, 2010 at 7:38 pm
Just because you’re not crooked, doesn’t mean all women are good like you.
I know plenty of women who are bad bad bad!
amanda
April 27, 2010 at 1:59 pm
I AGREE!!!!! I love my boyfriend, and he is seemingly so secure with that fact, that while he sees men hit on me constantly, even disrespect him while we are out, he stands there while I destroy their egos. The problem is that he never reacts like a “typical” dude would. He knows I don’t like jealousy, but when the line is crossed, he consistantly takes the high road. Poor guys, they can’t win can they?lol. It is true that a woman wants to feel appreciated and get attention. It’s not just women who screw up relationships, I feel men tend to get comfortable and take women for granted, I see it all the time. Let it be a lesson that if we love someone, we can’t take them for granted, always do and say little things to keep it alive, otherwise someone will creep up on f.b. and give them what they are missing in theyre marriage!
Iris
November 23, 2009 at 5:09 am
I agree that flirting on facebook is WRONG! especially if you’re married!! I like to go on facebook all the time (mainly to play farmville
), and yeah, sometimes (like once every few months) i’ll chat with an old guy friend. BUT, i talk with my husband about it, telling him things like “hey i talked to so-and-so and can you believe they have 3 kids already?!”(i talk to him about everything) and i keep it COMPLETELY appropriate. it usually ends up being about how our families are doing, how big our kids are, where we work now, who from school have we seen lately… ect.
In my opinion, it boils down to one main thing… communication. without it, your wifes could be feeling neglected, or ignored (EVEN if you didn’t do anything wrong or werent trying to) I sometimes feel like that myself, but i talk to my husband and tell him how i feel, and that way he knows and can help me to lose those feelings. he’ll sit and bear with me if i need to vent, or just want to talk- which i know to a guy can be torture lol, but it keeps us communicating and that helps us to keep our marriage strong.
i hope this helps, and that your wife realizes how you feel and changes her flirting.
Annie Mae
November 30, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Trish… is your husband on here because he caught you cheating?? Have you read the stories on here that men have posted? That their wives ( almost all the men are being cheated on by their wives that are over a decade younger than them) have been lieing, cheating, etc? Basically I was saying it seems that these young women don’t really even love them. There are more stories on another tab you should check out. There’s a lot of the guys who catch their wives cheating and the woman just ups and leaves him for someone they actually love and i should add that the women take half of that man’s money also. Just read the stories and I’m sure you will see where i was coming from by asking those questions.
I don’t know you but I have a feeling you are a religious person? Maybe you were raised to hurry up and find a man and get married? And that married life is so amazing and no one cheats or lies or uses the other spouse? Have you ever known a woman young or old who refused to even date someone that was without a job? Have you ever known a man who was with a woman just because she was younger and prettier than his ex wife and just to make his ex jealous? I don’t know if you are living in your fairy tale where everything is perfect but in reality the world is not perfect. I’m sure you love your husband and he loves you and I’m happy for you both. I truly am. But people need to understand that there are human beings out here who will marry for the wrong reasons. These men knew in their guts that something was wrong but ignored their feelings. Their cheating wives were wrong for doing what they did these men need to face reality. Those women didn’t truly love them or they wouldn’t have broken their vows in the first place.
travis
April 27, 2010 at 2:36 pm
You sound like Miss Havisham in the Charles Dickens story, Great Expectations. She had a very pessimistic view of marriage as well. Actually she was sick, and you sound like her. An old, tart, bitter woman who thinks people who try to do right are either hypocrites. 10 year age difference is not that big of a deal between men and women. In reality some things are good, and some are bad. But in the Miss Havisham-bitter-old woman reality, everything is bad or a pretense. Then again, maybe you were a tramp in your younger days, and you feel all women are like you once were.
Taylor
December 10, 2009 at 9:11 am
MEN CHEAT TOO!! Same thing happening to me…..with my husband. Finding old girlfriends on Facebook and sharing OUR life with them. Telling them, after viewing their pictures that they “look good” and them telling him they “wish you were here” at their get togethers. We’ve been married two decades and I can’t remember once when he ever told me that I looked good. I walked in one night and found him looking at pictures on Facebook. So I got curious and checked his email account and found several messages from women to him and from him to them. Topics of discussion were memories of weekends together and drinking parties. Then I checked his Facebook site and found that several of these girls have posted pictures of them with him from years ago. I did confront him, but he says he was “just talking to old friends”. I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it before I found out. He didn’t have a good answer. He even has been talking to an old lover. CRAP!! It IS a big deal, because I was a virgin when I married him and he has NEVER appreciated that. Totally pisses me off and I feel it is really disrespectful. And these women are also married!! WTH! As far as I’m concerned, if they think he’s so great, a guy that would hurt his wife this way,……they can have him.
Dianne
August 4, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Same thing is happening to me and I have found out time and time again and I am at my wits end because it always ends up with him going off at me for checking up on him and not trusting him. How can I trust him when continually he just tells me what I want to hear and then goes straight back to messaging, chatting and sending photos etc to these women. There was even a woman who he went to school with years ago that was “just friends” and then started the sex stuff – I checked his phone and saw messages from her. So, I sent a message to her husband and told him to check whathis wife was up to – of course I was the bad guy coz it wasnt my place to do so. Hey – Im being cyber cheated on so is he – he should know. They promised not to do it anymore and just blocked me – eventually it became apparent that for the sake of our relationship it had to stop. He has again promised me and now I find messages to someone he has added to play Frontierville. I dont know whether to say I know about it or just leave it because it must be an addiction. I know he wont do anything physically but it is the emotional side that hurts. Is it my fault? I dont know the answer – to me it is cheating whatever way you look at it. He lies to my face. Maybe I should just leave????
BlooBloo
December 10, 2009 at 11:32 am
Oops! It happened this summer and into the fall. She started out on Facebook and met some (two) guys. Then it escalated into Skype where they could chat and see each other. One of them she showed to. The other there was a lot of chat history and talking about me in some of it. It ended when I found out. I pulled the plug. But I’m still wary and don’t trust 100%, even though we have now reconciled. Things are better here now, but talk to your woman. It’s usually because things are not as they could be at home.
Derrick Watkins
December 27, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Facebook flirting is cheating. It is very easy to do because you are in the privacy of your own home and messages can be sent without others knowing.
Facebook is not responsible for this. But, when you are having problems with your man or woman and he or she is not meeting your needs, facebook allows a unhappy person to here what they want to hear from someone who does not mind saying it!
Derrick Watkins
Author: Why Good Girls Date Bad Boys
Kmarie
December 30, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Sorry Derrick, but I think you’re off base. Getting sucked into flirting and more on FB doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t getting what you need from your partner. What a lame and cliched remark! I believe part of it is ego – can’t resist the positive strokes. Then you have the thrill of secretive, naughty behavior. You can sit right at your computer and say anything you want, BE anybody you want. Blaming it on an inattentive spouse it like blaming all your adult hangups on your parents. Let’s see some accountability. Just because you probably won’t get caught doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. What ever happened to integrity and loyalty?
baybay
April 14, 2010 at 7:44 pm
I agree Kmarie!
When cheaters try to lay the blame for their stupidity on the other person it’s just a pathetic attempt to paint a prettier picture of themselves TO themselves.
No body wants to admti they’re the bad guy, but if you do something bad, YOU ARE A BAD GUY/GIRL.
Bottom line.
Lisa
April 27, 2010 at 11:31 am
AMEN!!!!
Ann
August 3, 2010 at 3:17 pm
I agree Kmarie and baybay and lisa, I found out that the man I had been living with had cheated on his last girlfriend, with me…starting over facebook. He looked me up and he built on the past relationship we had and never told be that he was with someone. He started our relationship on a lie and when I found out, I realized he was doing to me what he had done to her. He started pushing me away, taking his phone into the bathroom and posting on facebook. After reading all his email and facebook mail, I found that he was telling everyone that he was never going to get married. I also found out that he had kept an online dating account the entire time we where together. I confronted him and moved out that night. The next week he asked out a friend of mine that I had introduced him to and who he had facebook friended. A cheating dishonest person will always be a cheating dishonest person, they are only concerned with their selfish wants.
angry
January 4, 2010 at 7:15 pm
man I’m angry !!!! We been married for 17yrs and about 2yrs ago we agreeded to open accounts which was done seperately 1St mistake. she signed in with her maiden name 2nd mistake. soon I joined and requested her as a friend to my surprise the list was longer than what I expected. I know what u went through the nerves, hiding ,logging on at crazy hours and the e-mails 3Rd mistake . I finally caught on and know realized she’s been chating with some guy from egypt .damm it !!!! don’t know what to do. 17yrs!!!!!!!
Lisa
April 27, 2010 at 11:30 am
Leave her!!! Just went through this crap with my husband of 24 years. Wasn’t the first time I caught him either. Caught him 7 years ago hooking up through Classmates.com. Begged for another chance and I gave it too him. NOT THIS TIME! He is out. I never cheated on him, never even considered it. You will find someone worthy of you.
Ebenezar
January 17, 2010 at 6:41 pm
Hi, I too a bad experience with facebook. Myself and my wife have a seperate FB account. We have been happly married for 13 years with 2 great kids. She dumped her boy friend to marry me because he was abusive and always cheated on her. She always hated him. In last 13 years I’ve never doubted her integrity or loyalty. Last month her ex-boyfriend sent her a message on FB. She replied to him and gave her gmail address to get in touch. (we know each other’s FB password). When I checked her gmail account, she invited him to chat on orkut. When I confronted her about the email, she said she was sorry about it and will cut off all contact with him. She also said she wanted to show him how happy she is with me and make him more jealous. She wanted revenge for the way he treated her. She wrote to him and said they cannot be in touch anymore. He wrote another 4 emails. She did’nt reply to them (probably she knew i could access her emails). I suggested her to parmenently close gmail account (which she did). We had good discussion about this issue and explained the consequences of keeping in touch with her boyfriend. I’ve closed my FB account. Her account is deactivated. I love her very much, but it is very hard to trust her. Is this feeling normal? Or should I keep a track of her activities on PC? I keep thinking about it. Will she get in touch with him or it is all over. Can a married women go to any extent to emotionally hurt her ex-boyfriend? Please help.
Annie Mae
January 19, 2010 at 11:29 am
Were you able to see what she wrote him? Was she telling him she was happy with you? If you have proof that she was telling you the truth then all should be fine. If you think he was contacting her to get her back and she was falling for it that’s another problem. I would think the talk you to had was enough to make her realize not to talk to him and that closing her accounts are good enough.The last thing you need is for her to get in an argument with you or have a bad day and run to him. You should really talk to her again and tell her how you are feeling. If she loves you and wants to be with just you she will not only tell you but also prove her love and show you that you can trust her. Good luck!
Ebenezar
January 24, 2010 at 7:51 pm
Hi Annie Mae, Thanks so much for your suggestions. She asked him to join her on Orkut for a chat and she said she wanted to ask him so many things. She also told me that her ex emailed her and is it ok if he is on her facebook account. I straight away refused her request. Next day morning she wrote back to him saying that they cannot be in touch and it is inappropriate to email each other. (I did read that email). She also cancelled her gmail account. W’ve been married for 13 years and she was always faithful to me. She never attempted to get in touch with him. We live overseas 1000s of miles away from our homeland. We again had a good talk last weekend. She is very angry with her ex-boyfriend and wanted revenge. She thought it was a good chance that he mailed her, so she could hurt him. I knew this guy, when she was going around with him (13years ago). We all lived in the same building. She realises that its better to move on and forget the horrible past. I think accessing her email account is not wrong, when it comes to saving our marriage and keeping her safe. It is my duty to keep her safe from doing any foolish thing. Thanks again.
baybay
April 14, 2010 at 7:49 pm
You know what? Looks like he’s got his evil claws into her poor psyche. I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong, but he’s got a manipulative power over her that she doesn’t realize. If I were you, I’d send him a message clear and loud….”BACK OFF, SHE’S MINE.”
If you confront him, maybe he’ll slither away back under the rock he came up from under.
Timothy
January 26, 2010 at 9:39 am
Here is my problem. My wife and I have been married for seven years. She has been on FB for a year and is on it non stop for much of the time she is at home. To make matters worse, she recently got a Blackberry and has 24 7 access to FB, IM, emails, and phone calls. This summer, I discovered that she found some ex friends and boyfriends from her high school, college, and adult years before us. She pretended that one friend was her step brother who she had just found, from a previous marriage of her mom’s. One day, she left her phone unattended and the phone ranged and it was the alledged step brother. I did not answer but told her that someone had called. She saw the name and picture of the person and look startled. I could see that she was caught red handed. She finally confessed that the stepbrother was an ex boyfriend from her early 20′s. She claimed that she only lied because I couldnt handle it and she was trying to help him, by babysitting his child, so he could work and get his life back together, while the child’s mom was in the process of getting out of jail. After much fussing, scolding and withdrawing, we went to counseling (which was not helpful) and I finally confronted the guy on the phone. He insisted that there was nothing to their relationship but her watching this baby, who actually stayed with us one night when I thought it was my step nephew. He acknowledged that it was wrong that she lied and that he wanted to meet me to get all of this resolved. I refused to meet him because I know my temper. I also found out in talking to my wife, that she had spent the night with him at the hospital (so she claimed) the weekend prior to me discovering the lie, because his mom was ill. This was during a time that she claimed she wanted a little space and wanted a weekend to herself, despite prodding for us to be together.
After so many lies, I decided to do some researching and had a male friend, invite her to be a friend on FB. She accepted. When she accepted, she flirted with him, talked bad about how our relationship was going……”its complicated” and considered meeting him, but she passed because she was unsure quite who he was. I also saw all of her pictures, which were endless photos of her, childhood and teenage friends, and ex boyfriends. She took pride in bragging about the ex boyfriends in her photo comments and had a mug shot of her with a guy, labeled “best friends for life.” It was under this photo, four months before I discovered the lie about the stepbrother, that I found out she had went home (four hours away from where we live) and spent time at a bar with this “best friend” at a class get together. To make matters worse, she was not carrying my last name in her signature (her excuse….so more old friends could her by her maiden name).
She finally added her married name, take off the best friend and her hugging photo, and agreed to add some photos of us and except me as a friend. However, I did not pursue the FB friend thing because she kept talking about her space and her page. Keep in mind of the 100′s of pictures before these incidents, there was only one picture of she and I.
Recently, I discovered that another former friend (could be ex boyfriend not sure) hollered at her on FB. He lives on the west coast. On her wall, he sarcastically noted that he did not know she was married, that he did not want to make me upset (when he visited home for the holidays), and would just look her up at her grandparents, to avoid trouble. Instead of standing up for our marriage and denouncing this advancement from him, she simply commented that he should hit her on FB when he arrived in town and that he “owed her dinner anyway.” She also talked about how he use to love her smile…..all on open wall, in front of her friends, many that know me and know that we are married. In regards to other men and ex friends, they have commented on her photos that she is “sexy” and “beautiful.” She frequently compliments other men and I am barely acknowledged on her page. In her photos, she has a album called my family. This page does not mention me, her stepchildren (mine from a previous relationship). But she did include a best female friend and her godchild. Go figure.
I love this woman. I don’t want to have a failed marriage, yet she keeps talking about she wants us to seperate (to seperate households), be friends, continue to date, and learn how to love each other again. However, my trust is very slim. I am even considering a tracking system, to keep up with her, particularly since her trips home are typically without me and that she is always on the Internet, with IM and FB. WTF should I do? Please help and give some advice to get me through this tough period in my life. I know that I may have to ultimately leave her.
Ebenezar
January 26, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Hi Timothy,
Try this PC monitroing software, this should help.
http://www.spytech-web.com/
Good luck
FBcasualty
January 27, 2010 at 3:27 pm
I was married for 14 years, two beautiful kids, and we had just built our dream home. My wife used to comment about married people being on FB and how “inappropriate” it was. Then one day I walk into our living room and she is on the couch with her laptop and I notice she is on FB. I reminded her what she said in the past about how it was “inappropriate” and she said, “It’s not like that. It’s just general stuff, ya know, ‘hi, how are you’, etc…..Besides, I am only really on here to network for my job.” Well, as you can imagine, her time on FB became more and more frequent. We used to watch t.v. shows together with the kids and talk and laugh, movie nights, game nights, etc…, but that ended because she would have her face glued to her laptop 24/7. I would watch shows by myself and/or with the kids and I would hear her in the other room giggling. When I would ask her what was so funny, she would say, “Oh, just something said on FB” or “so-and-so posted some funny pics.” She became very distant and when she would come home from work she would barely talk to me, eat dinner that I made, and then park her ass on her computer for the night. It became an obsession with her and it got to the point where I was caring for the kids, the house, and everything else. I didn’t exist in her mind. I was able to get on her page and I noticed that there was no pictures of me nor any mention of me at all. When I asked her about it she became very defensive and told me that she uses FB as a networking tool and she doesn’t feel the need to post pictures of us, etc….even though she had pictures on there of her and our kids, her and her girlfriends, etc… so it was obvious to me that her intentions were not “innocent”. Things went from bad to worse, she became very resentful of me, lost lots of weight, bought all new clothes, and exhibited every other behavior you find listed on websites that describe, “Signs of a cheating spouse”. A few months later I started catching her in more lies than I could count, but the “marriage ender” was when I discovered she was getting birth control injections behind my back and I was “fixed” after our second child was born. Thus, I filed for divorce and although last year was a very painful year for me, I realize now that, with all I uncovered about her, it was a blessing in disguise. So, after 17 years together (14 married) it was over. What amazed me was the speed of the progression (4 months) from stable, solid marriage to absolute destruction. I don’t blame FB, obviously it was the person using it that is to blame, because I know lots of people who use it for it’s intended purpose and have fun with it. I suggested all kinds of things to save our marriage from counseling to enrichment classes at our church and she would have none of it. I miss not seeing my kids everyday and I have lost everything, but I am free from the heartbreak and worry now and I am looking forward to the future.
My advice to anyone reading this is trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If your spouse exhibits behavior out of the norm suddenly, or starts obsessing with how they look, or closes out of their FB when you walk into the room, there is a problem. If they are on FB all hours of the day and into the wee hours of the morning and they don’t spend time with you or your family because of it, there is a problem and it definitely doesn’t promote a healthy relationship. I saw posts from my ex that were at 3:00am, 4:00am….it was ridiculous! It consumed her. She would tell me what I have read on here, “He’s just a friend”…blah, blah, blah. DON’T believe it, there is intent there and, in my opinion, that’s cheating. It’s disrepectful to you, their spouse, and if they won’t let you see their profile or start blocking people you know from seeing their profile, they are hiding something and it is not fair to you. Don’t internalize your anger, communicate with them and try to resolve the issue. If they get angry, defensive, and accuse you of “checking up on them”, then they are hiding something from you and a relationship cannot work without trust. If they refuse to quit what they are doing, then prepare yourself for the worst. If they start working late or don’t keep their regular hours track them with a GPS unit attached to their vehicle. You can find them at most online spy shops for a couple hundred bucks. Keep your eyes open…..don’t go into denial and think it can’t happen to you because I thought the same thing. Communication is key.
My heart breaks for all the people I read about on these sites and I know exactly how painful it is. If anything, I find it very theraputic to read your stories because I can relate to all of you, I know where you are and how you feel, and it is good to know that I am not alone. FB is a virtual world where people that crave attention can get it. There will always be men and women on these sites ready to cheat at a drop of the hat and will pursue people whether they are married or not. The sacrament of marriage is a dying entity in today’s world and it is a shame. The travesty of it is that it is only going to get worse and worse in the future. God Bless you all and may you all find peace.
Ann
August 3, 2010 at 3:33 pm
I feel your pain FBCasualty, I hope your future is brighter.
Brenda
February 6, 2010 at 11:02 am
My husband lies about sending hearts to other women, he denies going on it all the time- I have his password and found that he constantly plays these games,I know it was bad of me to do- and I confronted him about my decietfulness and told him i couldnt take this emotional cheating anymore as it has happened in the past. He knows how to delete posts as I showed him, and I am not on his send hearts list- I have no idea what else he’s doing.I have been so hurt by this- i wish he would just go out and get laid- so it would be physical- this is killing me mentally.In the beginning he only had pretty- younger girls as friends, I have a mish-mash, but mainly women my age- I started inviting young good looking guys- its terrible whats happening.My husband thinks cheating is only the physical act, flirting, porn dont apply.i dont know weather to close my account- I play farmville with my school mates and family and it is a great way to keep in touch.I dont know what to do- but I dont want to know what he’s doing online- Id rather be in the dark so i dont hurt anymore.
Mat
April 29, 2010 at 3:13 am
I’ve gone through the exact same thing, I thought about it ALL day EVERY day. until I started up my own facebook and retaliated. I was never the type to do that but it really does eat at you, and how partners don’t give a shit to stop what they’re doing to they’re “loved” and driving them nuts. Only comes off as if they really don’t care anymore, so in turn makes us not care anymore until eventually it crumbles….often very slowly. In my experience I’ve put up with it way too long and should’ve gone while the getting was good. I tried leaving but let her sucker me right back into her lies. I say sit him down and have a SERIOUS talk about the matter tell him you want him to deactivate his account to show his devotion to you and install a keylogger on the computer, or every computer for that matter. And if he screws up again, film yourself with another guy and send it via facebook. Only to give him the same taste of insanity he has bestowed on you.
ED
June 16, 2010 at 9:38 am
Yep Mat, I went thru the exact same thing, I ultimately got fed up and left the house for a night and went and spent the night with a friend. I have gone around the world with my wife and I think now she has just a taste of what I have been feeling. Its weird, it went on for about 9 months and I felt miserable everyday, but after I spent a night away from the house, I haven’t ever felt better and I think it was the knock in the head she needed. Maybe her knowing that I may leave for good brought her back down to earth, I don’t know. I still have very little trust in her and keep tabs on her all the time, it does suck.
snowairheaven
February 10, 2010 at 12:27 am
Two of my aunts got hooked on chat rooms, flirted, & it led to cheating and divorce. It’s not okay. It’s very disrespectful. It hurts the whole family: the other spouse, children, cousins, brothers, sisters, parents, friends. It’s sad & dissapointing. It breaks bonds of love, faith, trust & support. Giving your heart away to another when one has made a lifelong commitment is one of the ugliest things a person can do. Everyone has flaws, but cheating crosses a line that is extremely crushing. Consider watching fireproof, the movie.
Charles Reves
February 17, 2010 at 2:18 pm
In my opinion flirting is cheating no matter where it is, it could be on the street, on a letter or in this “FACEBOOK” thing.
If you are happy with someone and you respect that relationship, you should never be flirting with anyone or allowing someone to flirt with you. Friends don’t flirt at each other.
Flirting on facebook is very insulting to a relationship, it doesn’t matter how innocent the flirting could be, but it should not be happening it is just a big lack of respect towards your relationship and your partner. It creates Jealous feelings, it breaks down the harmony of our homes, it creates a heavy atmosphere and breaks hearts.
All those things combined bring the relationship to the end.
It happened to me, please do not allow your loved ones to go on FACEBOOK, it is the beginning of a disaster.
Mat
April 29, 2010 at 3:22 am
I second that, if you want a healthy relationship avoid networking sites they’re just bad news and slowly lead you down a road of deceit and mistrust and will eventually devour your relationship and turn you into an ugly disrespectful human being in the eyes of your former love. Just isn’t worth it. Happened to me and now i’m all over every networking site out there lookin for someone to take my mind off a former love. Think I may have found an upgrade for a companion. but believe that IF it does turn serious I and Hopefully the new love will never look at a single flirt site again. Just go old school, people go out of touch for a reason, decide who you want to be in your life and stick to them. Jealousy is no more than feeling alone around smiling enemies.
S
February 25, 2010 at 3:16 pm
This is currently happening with our best friends, and it turned out the husband was having an affair with my partner’s sister-in-law. Very messy. Finally everything came out – they live in different countries but did meet in person when they could. This went on for a few months before they were caught. Hm. Yes. Exactly. Well my thoughts (as a woman) are if you are hiding something from your partner and chatting at midnight – you know it’s inappropriate behavior. And if you know that – don’t do it. Once trust is gone it is very hard to win back.
Anniemae
April 6, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Timothy it sounds like your wife just flat out wants to be single! Men and women you can already tell your spouse is flirting, cheating, avoiding you, lieing, and not letting people know you exist… and you think you need to spy on them and track them? They are cheating! Simply ask them what they would feel like if they caught you doing what they are doing on FB? If they love you they will realize they would be hurt if you did it. If they don’t stop then they don’t give a shit about you. Don’t sit there and put up with being treated like that! What is wrong with you people? If they are lieing, cheating, etc., then you need to tell them to get out! If you sit there and take it then of course they will continue hurting you. Don’t let them live a double life. If you allow them they will continue… they will come home and sleep with you and have you take care of the kids and work to buy them stuff so they can go cheat on you.
JPA
April 13, 2010 at 6:54 am
Guys and girls,
Flirting on facebook is just like watching porn. Don’t blow it out of proportion.
Not a reason to end a marriage, just try to understand the reasons.
In the end you have to be pretty stupid to cheat using chatt, and in this matters women are not stupid.
travis
April 27, 2010 at 3:09 pm
WATCHING PORN IS A REASON TO END A MARRIAGE. YOU DON’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THE WEIGHT OF THE SITUATION. AND ALAS, WOMEN ARE STUPID IN THIS MATTER. THAT GARBAGE ABOUT WOMEN BEING MORE DISCREET THAN MEN ABOUT LYING OR CHEATING IS NONSENSE. MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON HERE WHO HAVE BEEN CAUGHT CHEATING ARE WOMEN.
Sarah
April 13, 2010 at 11:30 am
Wow…I feel slightly better that there are others out there like me who feel that flirting on FB is wrong. My husband is on FB, I am not; I’m not that interested in talking to old aquaintances. My husband friended his ex, who I despise (during some of our worst arguments, he has told me how much better she was than me in every way, to hurt me, and how could I not hate her?) and he has been leaving flirty messages on her wall, telling her he still loved her and how she was the one that got away. He left the browser open with this stuff for me to find. Now she is messaging him back about how great and wonderful he was and how she misses him. I have demanded that he unfriend her, and he won’t! He has told me he did it just to make me mad and that there is nothing between them, but give me a break. I feel bad that so many people are having this happen to them, but I don’t feel so alone now.
Anniemae
April 13, 2010 at 3:26 pm
So Sarah…. You heard him tell you she is better than you, you see him write to his ex how he loves her, she wants him, yet you are with him? So are you giving him the ok to act like this? It seems like he is hoping you will divorce him just so he can go to her, or that he wants to still be married and flirt/cheat on you with his ex and you are ok with it so he will continue. If you flat out told your husband that what he is doing is not ok and that it hurts you and he still continues do you actually think he honestly loves you????
baybay
April 14, 2010 at 7:56 pm
Girl, I think in your heart you know what’s going on. Don’t try to candy coat the truth! He’s no good.
Just ask you mom, or you girlfriends, or any other person in you life that cares about you. Tell them what you told us, and see how mad they’ll get? Because he’s WRONG. He’s not treating you with respect!
baybay
April 14, 2010 at 8:18 pm
My boyfriend likes to go on facebook a lot and look at pics of pretty girls from his job.
He doesn’t hide this from me, but says he just likes looking at EVERYONE’S pics, not just the pretty girls.
Anyway, there’s this one chick he was friends with when we first started dating. He liked her, but at the time she put him in the “just friends” zone, so he was satisfied to just be her friend.
Anyways, when he started talking to me (before we were dating), all of the sudden she wanted to be more then friends, and had a makeout session with him. He’s kind of dumb when it comes to women, and this confused him, but I know it was because she was jealous and territorial of him seeing another girl.
Anyways, long story short we became an item and he eventually lost interest in being “friends” with her. I love FB, and use it as a marketing tool (I’m an actress/model, and it’s a good way to keep track of directors and stuff), and eventually my BF made himself an account, too.
I have a stage name (not my real name) and so most people in rela life don’t even know about my FB account, but this chick knew my stage name and hunted him down through ME! She started messaging him and asking to meet him for coffee and maybe come over to her house “like old times” telling him she missed him becuase he was such a beautiful person to connect with and talk to, blah blah blah.
She basically told him she wanted to meet up with him alone (WITHOUT ME) so she can share “her journey” with him, or whatever. That just got MY claws out in an instant.
I told him if he WANTED to meet up with her, I wouldn’t stop him, but I wanted to be there. I mwan, if they were “just friends”, why would she not want to meet me?
He said he has no interest in really hanging out with her, but feels guilty at not being a “good friend” to her and keeping in touch (rolls eyes). He’s so clueless! He doesn’t see what kind of game she’s playing, trying to make him feel sorry for her so she can get her teeth into him.
Now, this whole thing makes me quite wary of stupid Facebook…he was pretty honest with me about the whole thing, and we got eachother’s passwords, so he’s not hiding anything…But he’s got all these trampy women in the past who he used to be interested in but used him for male attention, and these hos hunt him down on FB all the time! So I make sure to put my prettiest pics up and write sexy messages on his wall, just to let them know “HE’S TAKEN, GO AWAY!!”
And that still doesn’t chase them dirty tramps off!
But I got my eyes open. I’m no fool.
I’m smart. I don’t let everyone know what cards I’m holding. If he starts acting funny (trying to hide his FB stuff, etc), I’m gonna get myself a keylogger and fry his ass.
Heck, he watches me (FB makes him jealous sometimes, too, and he thinks I don’t know it!). But I don’t mind because I got nothing to hide.
Ain’t no shame to my game.
Allen
April 20, 2010 at 1:17 pm
My wife FBcheated on me as well. Although, I was partly to blame. I am a very passive person. It all started out when she joined a Role Playing group on FB based on a series of books she had read. I had no idea what was in the books, the subject didnt interest me. Wish I had read them a little… they are based on greek gods and goddesses in the modern world and are very sexually charged stories. She asked me to join the group with her so that I could be her characters husband. This way she wouldn’t have to interact with another man, because, she explained, they play out their sex lives as well as their adventures. So, I joined to keep that from happening. Anyways, within days she was having cyber sex with one of the other characters. I had no clue, until she brought it up one night when we were being intimate. She thought it would spice up our sex? Well, me being the passive person I am, didn’t want to fight with her. I told her it was okay… thinking it wouldn’t happen again now that she told me. Stupid me. It happened twice after that. And I felt quite a bit to blame for it. So I told her how I really felt and left it up to her to stop, which she did, somewhat reluctantly. But she did not unfriend the other character, which really hurt me… and yes, I did let her know that it did hurt me. I even contacted the other character to let him know I found out what happened. She told me she would not have contact with him anymore. But I was still skeptic, so I installed a system surveillance program from http://www.gpsoftdev.com/ (I do NOT work for them and I do NOT recieve any money from them for this.) I installed it and watched what she did for a few weeks. She still had contact with him, but nothing sexual, but still a bit flirty, and she still checked up on his profile and had chats with him. Although the sexual chats were no longer happening, it still hurt me that she would contact him. The final hurt was when I know while I was talking to her from work about how I felt about the whole situation, she was chatting with him about how over-reactive I was to the whole thing and how bad she felt that she had to cut off their online cybersex. She would have never told me about that chat. I had to show her. The monitoring program takes a screen shot of the computer while it is on facebook every 15 seconds. All I had to do was show her what she said. It even captures every key she types into a log. I felt bad for having to install it, but it helped me to keep my sanity. We are now in marriage counseling and will be enrolling in an addiction class dealing with this subject.
Bottom line for those being cheated on – Although what the cheaters are doing is awful, try to look into yourself and see what you could have done to prevent this. I was too passive and didn’t communicate well. I have been learning to overcome these weaknesses and to let my wife know how important she really is to me, to validate her concerns and to really listen to her. She has been weaning herself off of the Role Playing site, has appologized to me for what happened, and we have been spending alot more time together. She has not contacted the other character since I confronted her about it……. but I still have the program installed… obviously we both have some healing to go through. Mine would be trust.
Adriene
April 27, 2010 at 12:29 am
Facebook is the worst thing out there its hard enough as it is trying to maintain a healty loving relationship and now with this new invention it is a means to an end with all good relationships that are out there I myself have been experiencing this with my fiance says he closes his account but then reactivates and its not his buddy’s that he is really wanting to talk to, this is a sad day in the history of time for such technology to really take a nose dive adding nothing to our society but tragic human history to the stupid things that consume what is real and good if a person would just allow it. I myself will not put up with it anymore, I agree with the comments above Flirting is cheating no matter what it is what causes everything to start falling apart it is just the beginning, honesty I hope facebook ends up shutting down, enough people who are married or in a relationship will find out the hard way once it is said and done, as long as more and more people come out letting the public know how unhealthy it really is it will only hurt the facebook fad, God willing because our society needs help and getting rid of that thing will be a start especially for those who have families and children that are being sacrified for something so stupid in the first place!
Lisa
April 27, 2010 at 11:45 am
Well I have been married for 24 years and discovered my husband was messaging and emailing a bitch he went to highschool with and met up with through FB. I had to find out over Valentines weekend.
I was out of town visiting my mother who had not been well. I had some suspicisions and I figured out his FB and email passwords. Needless to say I was devastated at what I was reading. He had stayed behind saying he would take care of our pets and home while I took care of Mother and that he would go out and get me something special for valentines.
Well I got something special all right!!! A fat slut who describes her ass as 6-lanes wide with saggy DDs telling him how she gives blow jobs, and him saying he wanted to lay his head in her lap so those saggys could hang in his face and be sucked on!!! She was also sending him pics of her fat ass and saggy chest. Also discovered this wasn’t the only cyber whore he hooked up with and was emailing.
Needless to say I came back from Mom’s and told him I wanted a divorce. About a week before we were to sign the paperwork at the lawyers he came into my room one morning and asked if he could have another chance. He didn’t know that I knew everything so I decided to see if he would be honest. He wasn’t…..he continued to lie so I told him there was no point in giving him any more chances if he couldn’t be honest.
The divorce should be final in a couple of weeks. I wish there was a way to make his cyber whore pay for helping destroy a marriage and take a father away from his son!
travis
April 27, 2010 at 3:05 pm
GOOD FOR YOU!!! A WOMAN WHO IS COMPLETELY HONEST ABOUT THIS CRAP, AND DIDN’T PUT UP WITH IT FOR A SECOND. I THOUGHT CELL-PHONES WERE A CHEATERS DREAM BECAUSE YOUR SPOUSE COULD CALL YOU, AND YOU COULD SAY YOU WERE ANYWHERE; WHERE AS A HOME PHONE, THERE IS NO DOUBT WHERE YOU ARE..BUT FACEBOOK TAKES THE CAKE. ITS CHEATERS HEAVEN, AND I AM SICK OF PEOPLE MAKING EXCUSES FOR THAT CRAP. YOU SEEM TO BE THE ONLY COMPLETELY SANE PERSON I HAVE READ SO FAR ABOUT THIS CRAP. THE OTHERS KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON, BUT THEY TOLERATE IT, AND WHINE. GOOD FOR YOU!!
Anniemae
April 28, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Travis is so right. Men and women need to just leave. They are only giving their spouse their blessing to go and cheat, lie and treat them like dirt. Why would anyone want to live with someone who treats them like that? Trust me it doesn’t get better.
Anniemae
May 2, 2010 at 10:38 pm
People if you are blaming FB for your cheating spouse you are a moron! Let me guess… if someone at work/on the street/a friend/ etc…. went up to your spouse and told your spouse…”hey come have sex with me” and your spouse cheated on you would you be mad at the other person or mad at your spouse for cheating? If your spouse really loved you and wanted to make the marriage work they wouldn’t have screwed up by lieing and cheating!
I honestly think tons of these stories are made up because I would hate to know that people (even the religious couples) could be so pathetic to blame a web site for their marital problems.
Lisa
May 3, 2010 at 12:22 pm
My story is not made up. The hurt and pain is real and if you have reason to doubt it then keep those doubts to yourself. You aren’t being helpful to anyone when you make such comments.
I’m not blaming Facebook, Classmates, Tagged, Plentyoffish or any of these other social networking sites. I only feel that sites like these and others have made it much easier for the scum we married and the crap they hooked up with to cheat.
These sites have just make it easier to find and hook up with the people from their pasts that they want to delusion themselves about and believe that pastures would be greener.
They think that it is all online and therefore easier to get away with and not get caught.
You’re right. If they truly loved us they wouldn’t do it. So if you do catch your spouse cheating then kick them to the curb and tell them to get out. And doing this stuff online is just as much cheating as meeting and doing it in person. Cheating is in the heart as much as it is a physical act of the body.
Spouses should go on with their lives. I am. I hope some day to meet someone worthy of everything I have to offer.
Dave
May 6, 2010 at 11:43 am
I just found out my wife of 14 years was likely FB cheating. I don’t know why but something made me get the WebWatcher program and BAM. First 2 days were eye opening to me. Had I been a little smarter I would have recorded more info. But, I was pissed and couldn’t contain my anger and confronted her. She had been communicating with old boyfriends for the last 4-5 years via email I found out, though not often. And since Feb 2009 on FB, again not too often that I could tell. But even one time without telling me – tells me alot.
I feel like a royal fool as I could have cheated many times on her (plenty of offers) but didn’t. Many men and women who have previously posted here have really described well what I feel. Mainly very disrespected and like a chump. Since confronting her she claims these were only staying in touch type relationships – but I don’t believe a word of it. Why keep it hidden from me if this is the case? I can get over this and move on (divorce or otherwise). But our arguing has made our kids scared and sad. For that I will never forgive her. She made a conscious choice – she chose her old boyfriends over her husband and kids. Of course she now says she is sorry. I think she is only sorry she got caught. Any advice on whether I should dump her ass or try to work it out?
Anniemae
May 7, 2010 at 6:57 pm
Dave, was she just talking to them or was she flirting with them? Men and women sometimes talk to old boyfriends/girlfriends just to tell them that they are so much happier off without them and how great their marriage is, etc.
I didn’t see you put that she was flirting or trying to meet up with them. I would think it would be a little crazy for you to divorce her for simply emailing old boyfriends.
Dave
May 8, 2010 at 10:34 am
Annie. Yes she was flirting. I found out via email / FB / phone, this has been going on for 4 years in secret. Her old boyfriends don’t seem to be as financially well off so I believe she sticks with me for that reason only. What could possibly justify keeping any conversation with old boyfriends secret from your husband? There can’t be many husbands around who would approve of that. Even if it was only flirting, that is too much. By secretly flirting she has replaced or supplemented the emotional connection we have. That is one too many people involved in my opinion.
If she wants any of these goofs, she can have them. We can work this out. But I am saddened for my kids. They are innocent here and will bear a significant emotional hit from all of this. That is 100% on her shoulders. She CHOSE to do this and keep it secret. No healthy relationship tolerates secrets like this. God knows what more I will find out as I now dig deeper into records, deleted emails, etc.
Annie, have you walked in these shoes – been on my side of this with your husband? If so, I appreciate your insight and comment. If not, I am not sure you can fully appreciate the significance of lost trust.
Anniemae
May 8, 2010 at 9:29 pm
Dave, honestly your first post did not give many details and only pointed out that she was communicating once in a while to the old boyfriends. Now that you point out the flirting through phone, FB, etc. I can see why you don’t trust her. You asked for advice on what to do and I gave you some advice. I have dealt with boyfriends in the past that have cheated but no I am not in a marriage that has had problems with trust. I have no idea what it is like to be shocked by something my spouse has done. I am sorry you are dealing with this and I hope your wife comes to her senses and tries to gain your trust back. Hopefully you are able to sit down and speak with her about the hurt she has caused to you and the children.
Please keep in mind that not everyone on this site has been betrayed by a spouse on FB.
Dave
July 8, 2010 at 3:03 pm
An update: After many arguments I insisted on a lie detector test. My wife agreed and took the test. I believe the testing was done professionally and is accurate. In summary, she did not have a physical affair, but did flirt. In my opinion she was “on the way” to an affair. Since that time we are in counseling and making some progress. What is maddening to me is that she still can not or will not come clean as to WHY she did this. We both took our spouse for granted. Intellectually I can understand why she reached out, but I also call that a weak action. I had my issues with her but didn’t resort to the secret communications – and as I posted earlier I have had many opportunities to do that. I am most disappointed with how this has affected our kids. She brought this into our home and it would take an exceptional man not to be upset and contain this away from kids. I am not that guy. So the arguing has spilled over and they are the innocent victims. Despite all of this, she still will not come clean as to why. I can only conclude that she still has feelings for her ex. I have told her in very clear terms that any minor slip in the future – any email, text, pay as you go phone, etc. communication with any guy I don’t already know and we are done. I am 50/50 on whether we will last or not as a married couple. I now monitor all money she spends, every phone number, web sites visited, etc. And I insisted she drop FB and any other social networking (i.e. cheating) site. If this sounds harsh – tough cookies. She brought it on herself.
Ladies, big clue….if you communicate with guys secretly behind your husbands back don’t give the lame excuse when caught that “I didnt tell you because I thought you would be upset.” That is the most bullshit answer possible. Of course he will be upset – that goes without saying. Own up to the truth and you will be better off. My wife tried that path and now she has to endure a long time of scrutiny and suspicion until I can regaain trust, if that is possible. If she had come clean – and admitted (which she still won’t do) that she still had feelings for the guy and that is WHY she kept it secret, we could move along to rebuilding a lot faster. Her reluctance to come clean with her motivations is what is dragging this out a lot longer than it otherwise would.
Sean
May 11, 2010 at 7:44 pm
Facebook and other social networkings sites are a lot of fun & useful. Having said that, they are definetly not healthy for a marriage, especially one that may have problems already. I know this from experience and am now divorced. In a marriage with problems, it will lead to an emotional affair and most likely a physical one. Sorry for the bad news, but FB is not good for a marriage that is not rock solid & based on faith in God. I use it all the time now, but I am extremely careful about talking to women friends that are married. Good luck!
littlegiz
July 5, 2010 at 10:30 pm
Very good advice. My husband seems to have come to his senses and told his Facebook friend that he loves his wife and wants to concentrate on his marriage, without communicating with her. He gave me the password for Facebook and his email as well. The trust will have to be built back up. It is just too easy for people to act out when they are lonely, angry or just looking to get into trouble. I have no interest in “hooking up” with some dude that I had a thing with back in my younger years. I want a loving relationship with my husband, not some fantasy island shit with an aquaintance.
jaygee
June 26, 2010 at 7:12 am
Facebook gives one a huge chance to contact old lovers and rekindle some old sparks……be careful if your significant other is on facebook alot. Seen a few of my friends mess up their marrages through facebook.
littlegiz
June 30, 2010 at 9:59 pm
I recently discovered that my husband was flirting with a woman on Facebook. My husband had to leave state to work and I had just gotten home from visiting him when I discovered a message on his wall from a woman that I have never met. He said something lame about having a crush on her when he was younger. His next message (on his wall where all of our mutual friends could read it) said that he has been separated from his wife for six years and suggested that she send him a message on his email. I was livid! This woman is a person that he vaguely knew in Jr. High School nearly 40 years ago, who just happens to be very attractive and divorced. I confronted him and he said that he would take the message off and apologize on his wall for acting so stupid. He never did. A few weeks later I discover that he has been texting his Facebook friend and some other woman at all hours of the night and day. I called both of these women and told them that they were carrying on an online/texting relationship with my husband. He said some very mean things to me like ” you should not have snooped in my text messages/ she has paid more attention to me in the past month than you have in 10 years/she is just an old friend, nothing more/ I never even talked about sex with her, we talked about hugging. I am just heartsick. I have been with my husband for 15 years and he has never acted like this or treated me so poorly. Every time I think about him texting these sluts at all hours of the night and day, I want to cry. We are talking at this time but my trust has gone out the window. I will be asking that he give me the passowords for all of his email, Facebook and other online accounts and that he erase all phone numbers and text messages associated with the women. He will then be calling the Facebook friend, while I am sitting next to him, and tell her that he is married and has disrespected his wife. If these changes do not take place, he can go to Hell. I am worth more than that. I would not even consider coming onto another man, whether it was online or in person. This so called flirting shit is for the birds. The woman that he flirted with on Facebook seems to be looking for male admirers to boost her ego and claimed that she had always liked him. That is a pretty lame thing to say to someone that you briefly knew when you were in 7th grade!
Lizabet
July 9, 2010 at 11:27 pm
My boyfriend is doing the same type of shit. He used my computer to check his facebook account, and quit the server without logging out of it. I went to check my own facebook account, and it was automatically logged into his. I looked at his messages, mainly because I knew that he was talking to his ex-girlfriend occasionally, who is gorgeous, and, might I add, married.
Come to find out, just a few days prior, they had been messaging each other about “sexting” and sending personal photos and videos to each other. He also gave her his phone number and told her to call him anytime. After reading it I was trembling from sheer upset and anger. He had left my house a few minutes before I went on fb, and I immediately called him and confronted him about it. He came back to my house, declared that he felt awful, and that it would never happen again. However, this isn’t the first time the issue has come up with her. I’ve seen photos where he compliments her on how good she looks, how beautiful and successful she is, etc.
AND, this fucker wants me to move to another state to be with him (he was in town visiting me when all this happened). I can’t, and don’t want to control his activity on facebook; I’m pissed because of the whole principle behind his actions. He says he’s over her, I have no reason to worry, and that I’m being irrational. And then he still has some motive behind complimenting her and sending her sexual messages.
What to do?
littlegiz
July 10, 2010 at 9:52 am
I dont know what to tell you. My husband is now sending ME constant text messages (he hasnt posted on Facebook since I caught him in May) declaring his love and apologizing for his jacked up behavior. It hurts really bad when this shit happens. Trust is so hard to get back. The sad part about it is that my husband never behaved like that until this recent course of events. My husband has been working out of state due to the rotten economy in our area and that probably put us at more risk of having problems. It sounds like your boyfriend also lives elsewhere. Facebook just opens to door to a fantasy land if someone doesnt have their shit together. The woman that my husband had the Facebook flirtation with is someone that he barely knew when he was in Middle School who later became a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader! Of course she looks great! Who wouldnt want to fantasize about hooking up with her? This broad strikes me as someone who craves attention from men and was obviously willing to carry on a long distance flirtation with a married man, just to make herself feel special. My husband is also to blame for not behaving like a married man with a committment. Fortunately, he came to his senses and told her (while I was sitting next to him) that he made a mistake and is reconciling with his wife. I wish you the best. Please listen to your gut and dont make a move unless you know that your man can be trusted again.
Jonathan HArt
July 13, 2010 at 2:20 pm
If you are in a serious relationship and you feel your partner is behaving “inappropriately” on FB, LET THEM. I define inappropriate using the average persons definition..which is flirting, sexting….and doing it secretly.
If your women is gonna cheat, she is gonna cheat. Letting her play out her little FB fantasies (usually with her exes) can boost her ego, increase her sex drive and enhance your overall relationship for the better, BUT only if you choose to accept and embrace the concept as opposed to being jealous. Make it a game…ask her…”so how is your FB boy toy doing today”? You can turn it into harmless and exciting fun.
I understand it takes a big paradigm shift in most peoples minds, but it does boil down to a simple choice on how you perceive it.
Good luck.
littlegiz
July 13, 2010 at 9:28 pm
If it was a boyfriend that did the “flirting” I may not have been so upset, but it was my husband and I was very hurt. The Facebook flirt turned into 1 1/2 months of text messages and email messages. I have no idea what they were actually saying to one another but I suspect that they werent talking about the weather. Since their communication has come to a screeching halt, my husband has been all over me like a cheap suit. I love the attention and the sex is great. Either he got his mind spinning with the Facebook flirting or he realized what he was risking by hurting me. Either way, it is not cool for someone in a comitted relationship to have private, personal communications with someone of the opposite sex.
zoe
July 14, 2010 at 7:03 pm
my significant other of 18 years doesn’t know how to use a computer (strictly a motor-head; but he can take an engine apart & put it back together blindfolded)… and doesn’t even know WHAT facebook or classmates or myspace IS…. that stop him from cheating??? answer: NO!!! he went through that 50′s middle age crisis and felt he needed someone younger to prove he was stile desirable & “young”… HA! i have always loved him, but…
i left him a just over a year ago, but then i got very ill for a couple of months sooooo…. he left the one he was cheating with to care for me (thank GOD)… and now i’m back! we actually get along really well now (better than before) but i know there were plenty of times when i was away from him i felt like reconnecting with a couple of old boyfriends and wahwahwah to them about my “terrible life” at the time. i never did and i am SO thankful because i know it could have led to something more. it’s TOO easy to “be” with someone you’re not face to face with… especially to complain about things and fantasize about how things could be… when are people going to realize life is NOT (should not be) about sex??
a cheater is a cheater is a cheater… but i really think facebook and the other networking sites make it so much easier ~ people who would not otherwise cheat; are… just because it IS so easy!! of course we’d all like to believe the grass is greener but as my partner now admits it sure sure isn’t… i don’t know that i’ll ever trust him 100% (probably not) again, but now that he has realized how much he missed the “wonderful little things i did” for him daily… and who really LOVES him for who he is and not for what he has… he still apologizes to me every day.
anyway, it’s perfectly alright to chat with people from your past… the difference is if you or your partner have to HIDE what you’re saying to people online; there’s definitely a problem!
i feel so badly for everyone out there on the crappy end of this :*/
time… and sometimes forgiveness heals (most) all things.
Jonathan Hart
July 15, 2010 at 2:44 pm
There is no doubt that if caught by suprise, finding out your partner has been having FB relationships with exes, sexual or not, will hurt nearly anyones feelings. As the prior post noted, FB opens many doors that would have never existed to cheating. Someone who may have never cheated may be enticed once they are FB’d by an ex. Its human nature. Even if you are relatively happy in your marriage, nothing can replace (especially for women) that feeling of being chased and or wanted by the opposite sex. Of course thats where a innocent little communica can morph into a cheating incident. Men inherently will tell a women anything they want to here, empathize, listen, bla, bla, bla. Anything to get in her pants. This is not news. Most women however respond emotionally to this type of attention whether they know better or not. And it is unquestionably exciting for a, “stay at home Mom”, for example, to sit behind a PC and harmlessly be wanted and live in what is a semi fantasy world. The temptation is almost too much for someone to resist. So if you are not the type of person that can live with your spouse having some virtual fun, BOTH of you should stay off the social network sites all together.
zoe
July 15, 2010 at 4:11 pm
Amen Johnathan!
littlegiz
July 15, 2010 at 7:35 pm
I go on Facebook all the time and have never gotten into intimate conversations with my male friends or exes on the site. I love my husband and the thought of enticing or coming onto another man is not cool. I think it is dangerous to flirt when you are married because it can lead to all kinds of problems. Of course the fantasyland friend is exciting because you dont have to put up with the everyday issues that are part of a committed relationship. My husband has told me that his Facebook friend wanted to “take the relationship further” and this led to him cutting off contact with her. It probably didnt help that I called and left a message on her phone reminding her that she was carrying on an email/text relationship with a married man. It will take time for me to trust my husband again and I am still very hurt that he behaved in such a way.
GummiTomm
August 27, 2010 at 5:53 pm
why not just give your parkner your facebook password and get theyr password in trade? I have a girlfriend wich i love veeeery much, but i am dealing with sum trust issuse, not because of her or anything its just something inside me that tells me that most girls will cheat, i am probable having theys issuse because my mother is very unfaithfull and when i have been single i have had a lot of attention from girls that are in relationships. The girl i am dating now is the only reson why i have intrest in relationships, if it was not for her i think i would just stay single.
But one thing tho, that i would like to ask, Why is it like everybody says it is a bad thing too investigate if your girlfriend is honest or not? Why is that bad, if you have some kind of reson to think she may be cheating i think you should try to be sneaky and find out, because if you dont you will just feel really really bad and i think that feeling can ruin the trust and relationship.
If my girlfriend would have some kind of reson for thinking i might be cheating on her i would want her to try to be sneaky and find out instad of feeling bad about it and keep it inside and try to trust me anyway.
Because if she would try to find out she would find out that she was wrong. I think we all have fair sometimes of our partner cheating, and if you have fair for any reason you should in my apinion look in too it,
I will be giving my girlfriend all the information she needs too bust me, like my facebook password, and msn passwords, she can read my phone messages when ever she likes, i wont risk keeping a secret with someone else over the trust of my relationship. I think that should build her trust for me, she could also see when i turn some girld down if they are trying to flirt with me and that would just be a bonus for the trust,
And with me being this way i think she will trust me and feel better about us.
But what do you think?
GummiTomm
August 27, 2010 at 5:57 pm
sorry about my english, i only learned the languadge in school and i was not the best student in that class
littlegiz
August 28, 2010 at 8:35 am
GummiTomm, I agree with your comments. After I busted my husband with the tons of text messages (of course I couldnt read them but found the proof of them on our phone bill), I told him I needed his Facebook and email passwords. He gave them to me after insinuating that I already knew what they were. Obviously, I did not have his passwords prior to that or I would have read several messages back and forth with one of the women that he was communicating with. His 300 text messages back and forth with two women had been deleted before I even discovered what was going on. The sad thing is that he had told me last Fall that his “first love” had found him on Facebook and they had sent each other several messages back and forth. He let me read them every time she sent him one and I found that she is a very nice married woman who is honest and upfront. They both talked about their spouses and children and it was not sneaky in any way. When my husband was out of state working for several months, that is when he was “found” by another long lost schoolmate who just happened to be a gorgeous, divorced woman who seems to be trolling for attention from married men. He took the bait and this started a two month email/text message long distance flirt. I am still having trouble trusting him and find myself checking our phone bill online every week. He can check whatever he wants to on my end because I am not a cheat. I keep having this creepy feeling that he may have “hooked up” with one of the women he was text messaging, since she lived really close to him. I also get the creepy feeling that he would have had sex with the long distance woman if I had not caught him. I am working on my trust issues but it is not easy.